“Once you realize your efforts to keep others hydrated means you will never sip first, you will learn to stay focused on quenching your own thirst.” Angela Shannon Ponder
Disclaimer: This blog post is not in reference to any alcohol dependency, smoking addiction, or substance abuse. This post is about a recovering mindset as it relates to an addiction to people pleasing. Knowledge without action is NOT powerful, but it has potential. Action taken to advance and apply that knowledge is called execution and within THAT lies power. Now let’s go!
Greetings Readers!
Happy New Year! I trust each of you ushered in 2024 in a safe and joyful way, and to kick off the start of the new year, I think it is the perfect time to discuss sobering up. So, what exactly do I mean by that? Well, being sober means that you are free from intoxicating influences; to make or become more serious, sensible, and solemn. Heavy emphasis on sensible. Intoxicating influences huh? For most people, that would include the usual suspects: drugs, alcohol, tobacco, sugar or other illicit or addictive substances. Those things that can gain control of you by making you feel stimulated, excited or even euphoric. However, I want to address a more unlikely addiction. One that I have dealt with personally for decades. One that still has many others in a chokehold, unknowingly, and that addiction is “people pleasing”. A moment of transparency for me is acknowledging that I too was once a people pleaser, as of very recent, actually. I had done it for so long that I didn’t realize I had become addicted to it. I have always been that person that everyone could depend on; always very accommodating. It made me feel good, so I made sure I continued to be that person that would always come through. I wanted to always be a blessing. I intentionally used my gifts and my abilities to help enhance the lives of others, but what I found was that the sentiment was rarely reciprocated. In hindsight, I now know that reciprocation is a necessity and is a more than reasonable expectation. Reciprocity is essentially “The Golden Rule” activated and it is intended for mutual benefit. It is a concept that we learned when we first started school, but somewhere along life’s journey, the selfish and self-absorbed conveniently forgot to abide by it. Somehow, they feel a few of the rules no longer apply to them.
A moment of truth, I was bullied throughout middle school, junior high (I guess I’m telling my age here) and part of high school by the same group of people. I understand now that those girls were miserable, broken and evil on the inside, but I grew to think that it was something that I did wrong to cause them to treat me in such a despicable way. So, I developed a coping mechanism that caused me to go out of my way to prove to others that I was a good person. I overextended myself and made sure I was available, even when I was exhausted and spent. I feared rejection and anyone who sensed it took full advantage of my kind-hearted ways, but I was oblivious. I started making excuses for how badly people treated me. Looking at their circumstances and giving them more compassion than they deserved. Giving people all access to me, while they offered limited access to themselves. In the beginning, I would shower people with my time, my talent and my treasure, because I wanted to make them feel special. However, because I had given them all access to my time and my person, they immediately came to expect this from me. When you don’t know the history of a person… who they are, where they’ve been, what they’ve done, what they’ve been through or who they have been connected to, you don’t have clear sight of the damage that has taken place before you entered the equation. Not everyone has good intentions for you, and many come with an agenda and plans to use you, if they determine you will provide them with what they need to achieve their goals. So, while I was always happy to help, they were always happy to receive more. I had officially become a people pleaser.
There is a popular phrase that has been around for years that is often used when it comes to dealing with people that states, “Hurt people, hurt people.” Well, I like to say, “Broken people, break people.” Many will never tell their story, because they see it as a weakness and are afraid that others will use it against them, but trust everyone has one. It is impossible to take the fragments of someone else’s broken life that you did not destroy and put them back together for them. That burden is not your responsibility, it is theirs, and it is a compromise you shouldn’t be willing to make. Your wellbeing should be your priority, and as a part of the process, so should well set boundaries. Although they can’t put the pieces of their shattered life back together and expect it to look like it did before, they can still retrieve the scraps and create something new and beautiful, but again, it’s up to them. Don’t become the person they use to help them repair their life, because if you do, you run the risk of them leaving you just as damaged. I had to learn that “No.” is a complete sentence and a healthy response, and you should do the same. Once I decided I was done with compromising my own happiness for someone else’s when their only intent was to manipulate me, I began to move different… strategically if you will. Now to protect myself, I intentionally distance myself from people and situations that trouble me, cause me trauma on any level, or that do not serve my greater good. I am now in a peaceful place, and I love it here.
Last thoughts:
- If someone is committed to misunderstanding you, let them. Don’t waste your time or your energy trying to explain yourself or trying to make others comfortable in a situation you did not create. Some people tend to stir up drama, discord and confusion simply because they are miserable.
- Pay attention to attempts to manipulate you the FIRST time. Stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to continue to control you. You saw what they did and you heard exactly what they said. Don’t let it confuse you and have you out here questioning your own worth. Don’t let it go over your head.
- Life can be sobering. Be always in pursuit of a better YOU. When you focus on those things, you won’t have the capacity to give attention to what others have going on.
- Don’t blur the lines when it comes to your relationships. Know where people stand in your life and what value they bring to it. If they don’t bring any value, why are you there and what purpose are they serving?
- Remember that reciprocity and respect are requirements in EVERY relationship, so if that is not your experience or your expectation, then it is possible that you too are a people pleaser. Here is help with that addiction.
Special thanks to the absolutely gorgeous Jasmine Murphy, affectionately known as “Jazzy” for bringing that HEAT to this concept! She always does an amazing job! Until next time… Sober Up!
Tynita Lee
Booking Info:MakeUpbyTynita@gmail.com or
Instagram: @makeup_by_tynita
As always, thank you SO much for visiting our blog. Keep up with the Team at Photography by Sean Ponder by visiting our website at PhotographybySeanPonder.com or on FaceBook at Facebook.com/PhotographybySeanPonder (Like our page!). You can also follow us on InstaGram at Instagram.com/PhotographybySeanPonder.
Until next time, Peace, Love and Light!
Angela
The Creative Director
